Funny Retirement Jokes and Quotes

Funny Retirement Jokes and Quotes is a collection of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirement. If you are looking for a good laugh, then this is the site for you.

Checkout this video:


Retirement is the time when you can finally enjoy a well-deserved break from the hectic pace of working life. It’s a time to relax, recharge, and reflect on all that you’ve accomplished.

But it can also be a time of uncertainty, especially when it comes to finances. That’s why it’s important to have a solid retirement plan in place.

And while there’s no perfect formula for a happy retirement, we believe that laughter is definitely a key ingredient. So to help you on your way, we’ve gathered up some of our favorite funny retirement jokes and quotes.

We hope they bring a smile to your face and help you remember that the best is yet to come!

Funny Retirement Jokes

Retirement: The time in your life when every morning feels like Saturday and every afternoon feels like Monday.

Retirement: When every day is a weekday.

Retirement: That’s when you return from vacation and say, “I’m going to take a few more.”

I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

Just because you are retired doesn’t mean that you are dead.

My husband says he wants to die before me because he doesn’t want to find himself all alone in retirement without me there next to him. I tell him not to worry about it because chances are pretty good one of us will die before the other anyway.

Funny Retirement Quotes

“The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
-Abe Lemons

“Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, ‘Hi, Honey, I’m home … forever.”
-Gene Perret

“In America, the only real sport is shopping. Women love torture.”
-Sex and the City quote by character Carrie Bradshaw

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
-E. Joseph Cossman

“My husband says he needs more space. So I locked him outside.”
-Jarod Kintz


We hope you’ve enjoyed our collection of funny retirement jokes and quotes. Whether you’re looking for a laugh or searching for the perfect retirement card wording, we hope you’ll find what you need here.

Photo of author

About the author