Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of funny kidnapping jokes. From clever ransoms to hapless victims, these jokes are sure to brighten your day.
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It’s no laughing matter when someone is kidnapped, but sometimes kidnappers can be pretty funny. From demands for pizza to requests for a selfie, here are some of the funniest kidnapping jokes.
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Couldn’t Count
A man kidnaps a woman and holds her captive in his basement. He tells her that if she can give him a reason why he shouldn’t kill her, he’ll let her go.
The woman says, “I’ll give you three reasons why you shouldn’t kill me. First, I’m your hostage and you need me alive to negotiate for ransom. Second, killing me would be against the law. And third, I’m pregnant and if you kill me, you’ll never know if the baby is a boy or a girl.”
The man thinks about this for a while and then decides to let her go.
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took the Wrong Person
Why did the kidnapper take the wrong person?
Because he was looking for a ransom, not a hostage!
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Cat
A joke about a kidnapper who took a cat:
Q: Why did the kidnapper take the cat?
A: To get the Meow Mix!
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Dog
Kidnapper: I’ve got your dog. If you want to see him again, you’ll have to pay up.
Victim: How much do you want?
Victim: Okay, I’ll bring it to you. Where should I meet you?
Kidnapper: Just leave the money in a bag by the front door and I’ll let the dog go.
Victim: Okay, I’ll do it.
The next day, the victim brings the money to the front door and leaves it there. A few minutes later, the kidnapper comes by, picks up the money, and leaves the dog. The dog runs over to the victim and jumps into his arms.
Victim: Oh, thank goodness you’re safe! I was so worried about you!
Dog: Yeah, I know. That guy was a real jerk.
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Baby
A kidnapping joke is always funny, right? But what if the kidnapper took a baby?
Q: Why did the kidnapper take a baby?
A: Because he wanted a ransom for the child!
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Grandma
A joke about a kidnapper who took a grandma:
A kidnapper takes a grandma hostage. He ties her to a chair and tells her he’ll only release her if she can tell him a joke that makes him laugh.
The grandma replies, “I don’t know any jokes. I’m just an old lady.”
The kidnapper says, “That’s not an excuse. I’ll give you one more chance or else I’m going to kill you.”
The grandma says, “Okay, okay. There was this man who went to a psychiatrist and said, ‘Every time I make love to my wife, I get this feeling that someone is watching me.’ The psychiatrist said, ‘That’s perfectly normal. Now let’s talk about your childhood.'”
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Princess
A man goes to a castle, and the princess is kidnapped. The man gets captured too. The kidnapper makes the man and the princess jump out of a plane without parachutes. The man has a knife, and he cuts the princess’s parachute open. The princess falls to her death. The man then jumps out of the plane without a parachute and dies.
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took an Old Lady
One day, a kidnapper decided to take an old lady hostage. After tying her up, he demanded that she tell him a joke.
The old lady thought for a moment and then said, “I don’t know any jokes. I’m too old.”
The kidnapper was getting impatient, so he told the old lady that if she didn’t tell him a joke, he would kill her.
The old lady thought for a moment and then said, “I really don’t know any jokes. I’ve never been good at telling them.”
The kidnapper was getting angry now, so he threatened to kill the old lady if she didn’t tell him a joke.
Finally, the old lady said, “Ok, ok. I’ll try to think of a joke for you. Just give me a minute.”
After a few minutes, the old lady said, “I’ve got it! A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says ‘You’re out of luck. We’ve been closed for fifteen minutes.'”
A Joke About a Kidnapper Who Took a Man
A well-known abduction expert was once kidnapped himself. He was surprised when the kidnapper put a bag over his head and tied him to a chair. After a few minutes, the abductor started to giggle uncontrollably.
The expert was even more surprised when the abductor said, “I’m sorry, I just can’t help it. This is just too funny.”
The expert then asked, “What’s so funny?”
The abductor replied, “I’ve never done this before!”