Ellen DeGeneres is one of the funniest people around. Here are 10 of her funniest jokes.
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Table of Contents
Introduction
As one of the most popular talk show hosts in the world, Ellen DeGeneres is known for her hilarity and wit. Here are 10 of her funniest jokes:
1. “I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, ‘Oh, nothing much. Just a diamond tennis bracelet would be nice.’ I said, ‘You already have a tennis bracelet. And it’s not even that nice.'”
2. “I’m not cleaning my house until she pulls her finger out of that pie.”
3. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
4. “I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and meet up with them later.”
5. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
6. “The first time I ever went to therapy, the doctor asked me what my goal was. I said, ‘I want to be happier.’ He said, ‘No, no, no. You’ve got to be more specific than that.’ So then I said, ‘I want to be happy like Jennifer Aniston.'”
7. “The good thing about living in Los Angeles is that when you finally kill yourself, you’re used to the traffic.”
8. “The bad thing about Alzheimer’s is that you know you’re losing your mind… but the good thing is you can’t remember who told you.”
9. “You know how your mother always told you to eat your vegetables? Well, she was lying.”
10. “I’ve been getting quite a few letters from people asking me if they should switch from Macintosh to Windows Vista… just kidding! People don’t write anymore.”
“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ’cause she’s dead!”
This is one of DeGeneres’ most famous jokes, and it’s easy to see why. It’s a play on the phrase “the new Taylor can’t come to the phone right now,” which is something that Swift has said in her songs in the past. This joke was also included in DeGeneres’ list of her favorite jokes that she’s ever told.
“I’m not saying that I hate my job, but today I put a ‘out of order’ sign on my cubicle.”
Whether she’s cracking jokes on her daytime talk show or making us laugh with her stand-up comedy, Ellen DeGeneres always knows how to make us smile. Here are some of her funniest jokes:
1. “I’m not saying that I hate my job, but today I put a ‘out of order’ sign on my cubicle.”
2. “I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day… but I couldn’t find any.”
3. “I was petting a dog the other day and he blocked the sun so I couldn’t see. So I moved… and he moved with me.”
4. “My friend says to me, ‘What rhymes with orange?’ I said, ‘No it doesn’t.'”
5. “I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.”
6. “I don’t trust housewives… they’re always talking about their husbands like they’re not even there.”
7. “I was at a party and someone said, ‘Have you ever had Cuban food?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m not Cuban.'”
8.
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
“I’m not saying that I don’t like my job, but today I called in sick…on my day off.”
1. “I’m not saying that I don’t like my job, but today I called in sick…on my day off.”
2. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
3. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
4. “Don’t take life too seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.”
5. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
6. “I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
7. “I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.”
8. “My mother always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, say something funny.'”
9. “‘Eighty percent of success is showing up.’ – Woody Allen”
10. “‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.’ – Woody Allen”
“I’m not saying that I’m never going to get married, but I am saying that I will never buy a wedding dress.”
“I’m not saying that I’m never going to get married, but I am saying that I will never buy a wedding dress.”
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where she is.”
“Somebody asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.'”
“My mother always said, ‘Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.'”
“My brother is gay, and my parents didn’t handle it well. They treated him like he was sick, and they wanted him to be healed. But he’s not sick. He’s different. And if you’re different, that’s not something you can change.”
“My friend says to me, ‘What rhymes with orange?’ And I said, ‘No it doesn’t.’”
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
“One time at a bookstore, someone stole my candy bar. So somebody stole something from me — that was clean and sweet and innocent — so now in retribution I steal books.”
“I’m not saying that I don’t want to have kids, but I am saying that I don’t want to have to change diapers.”
On not wanting to have kids:
“I’m not saying that I don’t want to have kids, but I am saying that I don’t want to have to change diapers. If I did want kids, and I changed a diaper, and then the kid pooped in the diaper again, then that would be really messed up.”
On being a giraffe:
“I was thinking about how people treat me differently since I’ve been on TV. It’s like I’m a different species. They look at me, and they’re like, ‘Oh my God, it’s a giraffe!'”
On being Lennie from Of Mice and Men:
“If you think about it, all of us are a little bit like Lennie from ‘Of Mice and Men.’ He’s this big guy who is really sweet and kind-hearted, but he doesn’t know his own strength. He gets into trouble because he doesn’t know how to communicate with people. That’s kind of like me.”
“I’m not saying that I don’t like being a mom, but I am saying that I don’t like being a human mom.”
It’s no secret that Ellen DeGeneres is one of the funniest people on the planet. In addition to her successful career as a stand-up comedian and talk show host, she’s also known for her hilarious one-liners and witty observations.
Here are 10 of Ellen DeGeneres’ funniest jokes:
1. “I’m not saying that I don’t like being a mom, but I am saying that I don’t like being a human mom.”
2. “I was never one of those girls who dreamed of getting married and having kids. I was always more interested in having a chocolate cake.”
3. “Having kids is like having a body with no remote control.”
4. ” Parenting is just like therapy, except you also have to pay for the therapist.”
5. “The worst part about being a parent is when your kids are teenagers and they start talking back to you… in your own voice.”
6. “Being a mother is an amazing experience… It’s also the toughest job in the world, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
7. “Having kids is probably the best thing that ever happened to me… Even though they’re the reason I have gray hair.”
8. “The best thing about being a mom is watching your kids grow up into smart, successful adults… even though it takes forever.”
9. “Parenting is hard, but it’s also the best thing ever… even though it’s really hard.”
10. “Being a parent is amazing… even though it’s really, really hard.”
“I’m not saying that I don’t want to get married, but I am saying that I don’t want to have to have a wedding.”
In honor of the talk show host’s 60th birthday, here are 10 of Ellen DeGeneres’ funniest jokes.
“I’m not saying that I don’t want to get married, but I am saying that I don’t want to have to have a wedding.”
“My idea of ‘getting lucky’ is to walk into a room and find a check on the floor.”
“I think that if gay marriage is legalized, heterosexual men will be more interested in getting married. And whether that’s good or bad is yet to be determined.”
“They say love conquers all. But maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe we should let love try to conquer all, but if it can’t, we should still be there for each other.”
“I was watching the Super Bowl with my parents yesterday when Justin Timberlake ripped off Janet Jackson’s top. Or as my father called it, ‘the greatest moment in television history.'”
“I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, ‘Oh, nothing much… just the black diamond choker necklace that you got Jennifer Lopez.'”
“My aunt always used to say that laughter is the best medicine. Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
“I’m not saying that I’m never going to have kids, but I am saying that I’m never going to have to worry about them getting into my car.”
This joke is just one of the many hilarious moments that Ellen DeGeneres has given us over the years. She is truly a master of comedy and always knows how to make us laugh. Here are 10 of her funniest jokes:
1. “I’m not saying that I’m never going to have kids, but I am saying that I’m never going to have to worry about them getting into my car.”
2. “My wife’s an earth sign, I’m a water sign, and our kids are mud.”
3. “I asked my wife if she likes her life, she said ‘I love it!’ I said, ‘What would you say if I told you I was going to change it?'”
4. “I’ve been married for four years now… I don’t count the time we were dating.”
5. “My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.”
6. “I was reading the dictionary the other day… I thought it was a poem about everything.”
7. “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas… He liked it so much he started using it as wallpaper.”
8. “My mother-in-law wears army boots… What’s wrong with that?”
9. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where she is.”
“I’m not saying that I hate my job, but today I put a ‘out of order’ sign on my cubicle.”
1. “I’m not saying that I hate my job, but today I put a ‘out of order’ sign on my cubicle.”
2. “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
3. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now and we don’t know where she is.”
4. “I had a dream last night that I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted!”
5. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
6. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
7. “Do you think when LSU beats Alabama they hand out championship rings? No, they hand out necklaces with big tiger claws!”
8. “My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.”
9. “I like yoghurt.. but it’s too tangy for me, so sometimes I add fruit to tone it down.”
10. “I worked at Starbucks for two days.. then they found out I can’t make coffee so they fired me!”
