Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of Funny Andrew Dice Clay Jokes. From his early stand-up days to his more recent roles, Dice has always been a master of comedy.
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Who is Andrew Dice Clay?
Andrew Dice Clay is an American comedian and actor. He came to prominence in the late 1980s with a brash, macho persona of a vulgar stand-up comic known for his blue comedy, which often features explicit references to sex and television & film. In 2010, Comedy Central ranked him tenth on their list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.
10 of the Funniest Andrew Dice Clay Jokes
Andrew Dice Clay is a controversial but popular comedian who was huge in the 80s and 90s. He’s known for his raunchy, dirty jokes and his over-the-top delivery. Some people love him, while others find him offensive. If you’re a fan of Dice Clay, you’ll love these 10 jokes.
“I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
This is one of the most famous Andrew Dice Clay jokes. It is also one of the dirtiest jokes that he tells. This joke is from his special Dice, and it goes like this:
I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her. I had a girl last night, I talked dirty to her for about an hour, then I had to fuck her.
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
1. “I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
2. “You know what I love about women’s breasts? They always smell like fresh bread.”
3. “I went to a strip joint the other day, and the salesman said, ‘What do you want?’ I said, ‘give me three fourteen-year-old girls.'”
4. “Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.”
5. “How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One… men will screw anything.”
6. “I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no.’ So I said ‘alright, can I sleep with you?'”
7. “Online dating is tough. Every time I meet someone new, they end up being even more fucked up than the last one.”
8. “I’m not sayin’ I’m the best lover in the world… but I gotta be in the top five.”
9. “My wife’s so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat people shout ‘taxi!'”
10. “My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.”
“I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
One of the most controversial and successful comedians of all time, Andrew Dice Clay is known for his subversive brand of humor. His material often pushes boundaries, and he’s not afraid to offend.
While some may find his jokes to be in bad taste, there’s no denying that he’s a master of his craft. Here are 10 of the funniest Andrew Dice Clay jokes:
1. “I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
2. “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
3. “My wife wanted me to take her to some fancy French restaurant for our anniversary, so I took her to Burger King.”
4. “I don’t get no respect! My wife woke me up this morning and she says, ‘You’re gonna die, Dice.’ I said, ‘No, I’m gonna sleep.'”
5. “I don’t buy tampons for my wife anymore… Because once you open that Pandora’s box, you never know what the hell’s gonna come out of it.”
6. “What’s the worst thing about giving a woman an orgasm? Ten seconds later she wants another one.”
7. “I was making love to my wife last night… I guess you could say I was giving her the business.”
8. “I went to a hooker and asked her how much it would cost for a hand job… She said sixty bucks! I said, ‘ forget it! I’ll just jerk off at home.'”
9. “A man should always use protection… Even when he’s home alone.”
10. “Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask directions!”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
Clay often jokes about his own weight, saying things like, “I’m so fat, my blood type is Ragu.” He also pokes fun at his Italian heritage, with jokes like, “I’m Italian-American. That means I can start a fight in an empty house.” But some of his best jokes are about sex, marriage, and relationships. Here are 10 of the funniest Andrew Dice Clay jokes:
1. “My wife’s so fat, when I put my hand on her back I get lost.”
2. “My wife’s so fat she got arrested at the airport for smuggling ham sandwiches.”
3. “My wife’s so fat she makes Jabba the Hutt look like Kate Moss.”
4. “My wife’s so fat when she wears a red dress all the kids shout ‘The Keebler Elf is loose!'”
5. “My wife’s so fat when she steps on a scale it says ‘To be continued.'”
6. “My wife’s so fat even Dolly Parton looks at her and says ‘Damn, girl, you’re big!'”
7. “My wife’s so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house!”
8. “My wife’s so fat when God said ‘Let there be light’ he had to ask her to move first.”
9. “My wife’s so fat when she farts they smell like air freshener.”
10. “My wife’s so fat when she wears a two-piece swimsuit people think she’re lost and looking for directions.”
“I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
One of the most controversial and prolific comedians of his generation, Andrew Dice Clay is also one of the funniest. His brand of comedy is crass, dirty, and often politically incorrect, but there’s no denying that he’s a master of his craft.
Here are 10 of the funniest Andrew Dice Clay jokes:
1. “I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
2. “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
3. “I tried to be celibate once, lasted about ten minutes.”
4. “I’m not into f*cking animals, I’m into f*cking bitches.”
5. “Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
6. “I want to thank my father for teaching me how to be a man… and my mother for teaching me how to be a gentleman.”
7. “Women are like parking spaces – all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped or too far away from where you want to be.”
8. “My wife says I never listen to her… or something like that.”
9. “I used to be an altar boy… until I found out what they were altar for.”
10. “Marriage is like putting your hand in a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
Comedian Andrew Dice Clay is known for his raunchy and often controversial jokes. Here are 10 of his funniest jokes:
1. “I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
2. “I’m the only guy in the world who can get away with saying ‘pussy’ on stage.”
3. “I’ve been to a lot of places, and I’ve never seen a free vagina.”
4. “My girlfriend’s vagina is like the Bermuda Triangle…it sucks you in and you never come out.”
5. “I’m not saying that I don’t like blowjobs, but if I had a choice between a blowjob and a hamburger, I’d probably go for the hamburger.”
6. “You know how most guys say they’re gonna last forever when they’re having sex? I last forever…I come right away.”
7. “Nobody ever says ‘I came’ anymore…it’s always ‘We came.'”
8. “‘Making love’ is like communism…one guy tries to screw everyone else, and it doesn’t work.”
9. “Having sex is like playing bridge…if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
10. “Sex is like air…it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”
“I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
One of the things that made Andrew Dice Clay so popular was his willingness to push the envelope with his comedy. He didn’t shy away from controversial topics or language, and his jokes often pushed the boundaries of what was considered acceptable.
Here are 10 of the funniest Andrew Dice Clay jokes:
1. “I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
2. “I’ve been livin’ with a girl for about a year now. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and she said, ‘A Corvette.’ So I gave her my Chevrolet.”
3. “I’m like a vampire: I don’t care if you invite me in.”
4. “What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? A Rottweiler eventually lets go.”
5. “My wife’s not too bright. She put two quarters in the parking meter and waited for a hamburger.”
6. “My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I came back drunk.”
7. “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”
8. “My definition of foreplay is a nice big steak dinner.”
9. “Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.”
10. “I’m not into facedown ass up, I’m into facedown ass up so I can see your shoes.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
French Roast: I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.
Light City: I’m so funny, I should be on Saturday Night Live.
Half City: I’m so funny, stand-up comedy should be illegal.
Cinnamon: I’m so funny, when I die they’ll bury me with a smile on my face.
“I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
Born in Brooklyn in 1957, Andrew Dice Clay is a comedian and actor known for his controversial stand-up routines. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, he became one of the most successful touring comedians in the country. He has appeared in several films and television shows, including Entourage and Blue Jasmine.
Here are 10 of the funniest Andrew Dice Clay jokes:
1) “I’m the only guy that can make a woman come by just talkin’ dirty to her.”
2) “I’m like Elvis Presley without a guitar.”
3) “I’m an X-rated stand-up comic. I’m not for everybody, I’m for people who want to hear something different.”
4) ” if you’re offended by dirty words, then you’re gonna be offended by me.”
5) “My favorite thing about women’s breasts is how men react to them.”
6) “I’m not a chauvinist pig, I’m just in touch with my inner pig.”
7) “Sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
8) “Women fake orgasms because they think we care.”
9) “There’s nothing funnier than watching two people fighting over something they both want.”
10) ” [Mick Jagger] is one of my favorite people in show business because he knows how to deal with groupies.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a comedy club.”
“I’m so funny, I should be on television.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in the movies.”
“I’m so funny, I should be in a Broadway show.”
“I’m so funny, I should be on Saturday Night Live.”
“I’m so funny, I should have my own sitcom.”
“I’m so funny, I should be a stand-up comedian.”
